The Bleeding Edge of Reality

I went into Borders today just before lunch to grab an “extremely unrated” copy of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. The DVD came out on the 4th or 5th and they didn’t have any in stock! WTF?! It’s Borders! I asked if they’d just sold out and would be getting some in and she tells me they didn’t get ‘em in yet. Damnit! It was pissing out and colder than a witches tit. I should have called first I guess. Anyhow, I decided to look on the shelves for a copy while she was checking in the stock room to see if they’d arrived in today’s shipment, and I see Shaun of the Dead sitting there just waiting to be purchased. I really wanted to see this movie at the theater, but you know how it goes, I just never got around to it.

If you’re looking for a movie with some great laughs, some great effects, lots of gore, a clever and funny plot, English accents, and plenty of undead, I can say without a doubt that Shawn of the Dead definitely delivers the goods. One of the funniest movies I’ve seen in a long time, and is an instant favorite!

It’s obviously a humorous spoof on George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, but not too “spoofy”. It really just takes the zombie elements, but the plot is fairly unique. I didn’t say deep and complex, just unique. I don’t really want to do any spoilers and layout the movie like this is a review. I’ll just say that there were some parts of the movie that literally had me in tears laughing so hard, and that I was thoroughly entertained from start to finish. No boring spots, the humor wasn’t campy (well, there’s a bit of campy, but it’s perfectly delivered), and since the entire movie takes place in England, there is that air of “dry English humor” in the delivery throughout that actually enhances, not detracts. The gore is very plentiful as well! Though the movie doesn’t feel high budget (It’s no Ed Wood flick either, just not “blockbuster” budget), the gore is blockbuster quality! It’s a constant throughout the movie, and really well done. I can’t wait to watch it again!

Also, the DVD extras are really well put together and equally as entertaining, especially the outtakes. Lots of good stuff to check out making the DVD purchase that much more a value.

All in all, Shaun of the Dead gets a 10 out of 10. Go enjoy this DVD as soon as humanly possible! If you’ve got a few extra bucks and haven’t seen this yet (hell, even if you have!) it’ll be money well spent, I guarantee it!

Get your own Anger Management Driving Beard! ™

Well, with the new year comes new hope…NOT! I’m on my way into work this morning, and whom do I see? PointyBeard in his grandma’s minivan shitmobile!!! The same guy!!! You can reference him below in the Minivan Madness thread below.

Why the hell couldn’t this wealth of driving idiocy have been in, say…Phuket, Thailand a week or so ago? Had I known about the tsunami, I’d have pulled him over, kicked him in his beard, and given him a one way ticket to eternity.

Alas, no such luck. He’s back behind the wheel, beard as pointy as ever, an anger management poster child white-knuckling his way through downtown Portland every weekday. I’ll have to get his license plate # and post it here, just for fun.

So, I see him, and HE SEES ME!! He actually remembered my kickass vehicle, and started in with his version of Road Warrior again this morning; tailgating, weaving in and out of traffic, stopping short…you know, all the sweet moves a 30-something dipshit with an identity crisis does while behind the wheel of a shitmobile…until the police vehicle rolled up along side him. AHAHAHAH!! VERY funny!! He did the “look tough, then look away” move with the cop!! I laughed and laughed, looking and pointing at him. I honked my horn so he’d look over. He saw me, saw me laughing AT him, and then looked away angrily and sped off. Did I just say “sped”? AHAHAHHA!!! Holy shit, I crack myself up.

Anyhow, beware the pointy beard in the grey 199x minishitvan. He’s usually on his way to pump gas on 4th ave around 7:15-7:25am. Funny shit. Pure entertainment!

In case you didn’t notice, above is a link to get your own Anger Management Driving Beard ™! Simply click on the link, print it out, cut on the dotted lines, and tape/glue/staple it to your face, call Grandma, borrow the minivan, and drive like a complete asshole!! It’s that easy! I know he’ll be appreciatin’ my cutout skills when he sees me the next time. I’m gonna whip out my cutout beard, put it on, and make faces at him while he wigs out. Should be a blast!

Happy New Year, JACKASS!! See YOU on the road!

Well, the new year is here. Whoopee. It’s 2005. I’m sick like mad, and will probably have to call into work tomorrow.

I’m driving home from picking up a copy of Napoleon Dynamite over the weekend, the highway is pretty jammed up, but the passing lane is moving along reasonably well. I noticed in the right lane there were 3 jeeps in a row, and thought to myself it was a bit odd.

Anyhow, I move into the passing lane, and the last jeep of the 3 decides to jump over to the passing lane in front of me. I’m thinking, what an asshole, but if he keeps up with traffic, all is forgiven. Of course, this didn’t happen. This knob decides to keep the lane open in front of him, letting his Turds-with-Wheels driving buddies in front of him, all the while blocking traffic to the point where it was slower in the passing lane than in the right lane! Jackass. I’m pretty sure I could hear the song “Convoy” blaring from all 3 of their crapmobiles. “…this here’s the rubber duck…put the hammer down…we got ourselves a convooooyyyy….”

So, I continue driving along, and the highway splits from 2 to 3 lanes. The middle lane is wide open, so I proceed to pass the string of Rollovers-in-a-box, when the moron leading his pack of dipshit buddies swerves into MY LANE, and then flips me off! Jesus Christ, what the fuck was THAT?! Do us all a favor, put down the CB mic there “Rubber Duck” and just drive, spend a little more time and money investing in a real vehicle, and a little less time trying to impress that meth-smokin’ goo-gobbling highschool bimbo in the passenger seat. Seriously, was that your sister, Jethro? Because you both had the same mustache and unibrow. She had to be.

So, I slow down to give this gutterlicker a piece of my mind at 65mph, and what’s he do? Ruffles the feathers on the back of his neck, puffs out his yellowbelly, and slows down. The entire line of 3 gimps-on-wheels is now going 42 f’ing mph to avoid coming along side me. Another simpleton who flipped off the wrong guy and realized it too late.

Listen, I don’t care that you can’t afford a real vehicle, or that my vehicle is worth more than all three of those junk heaps put together, or that you’re too scared to even face someone you just flipped off, but for fuck’s sake, quit with the stupid road games. You’re going to get yourself killed. Seriously. No joke. I’ll do it myself. Asshole.

Anyhow, Naopleon Dynamite is pretty funny for what it is. I recommend it with a good bowl of Northern Lights #5.