Witches, Starbucks, and Rush Hour, oh my!
It’s Friday, and I’m doing my morning routine; wake up, shower, drive to Starbucks, drive to work. I’m midway though the routine, driving into Starbucks, it’s about 7am. There’s a minivan that’s come to a complete stop in the drive to the parking lot. I noticed the license plate: “GD-WITCH”. I was about to tap my horn so they’d move (there is no way around them as they’re in the middle of two vehicle widths) when the vehicle begins to move very slowly…then stops again. So, I tap my horn and they nudge to the right, where I proceed to drive around them and park in one of the many available spaces. As I’m walking in I notice that the Wicca3000 minivan is doing an Austin Powers to get into the closest space possible. The “Austin Powers” I’m talking about is the scene in AP1 where Austin is trying to turn that vehicle around in the hallway…forward, backward, forward, backward, forward, backward, ad infinitum
So, I’ve ordered my coffee from the fantastic folks (not even sarcastic. I love the crew at my Starbucks!) behind the counter and they’re now preparing my drink. I walk over to the coffee bar where the gal is finishing up my drink and up walks what can only be described as a cross between that psychic from the movie Poltergeist (walk toward the light…) and a has-been gate greeter from a WiccaFest. She begins to tell me “You know that minivan that you blared your horn at, and then drove angrily around? That’s my daughter behind the wheel and now she’s paranoid.” I had all I could do to keep from laughing outloud, but I maintained my composure and simply looked away, much like I do when any fucking psycho approaches me…street folks, drunks, etc, and begin talking to the chick making my coffee drink. She continues on…”Now she’s paranoid…you should really relax..”. At this point I interrupted her and said ” Look grandma, don’t lecture me. I AM relaxed, and whether you know it or not, my schedule doesn’t revolve around your daughters inability to park that piece of crap in the closest possible parking space. I’ve got a job to do, and being impeded by someone who can’t drive isn’t part of my routine”. She continues: “You really need to rel…” I interrupted loudly “Well then, perhaps teaching your daughter how to drive in a Starbucks parking lot during morning rush hour wasn’t such a great idea after all, was it?!”. She looked mortified, and continued to rant “oh, I think it’s a good idea…and my daughter already has her license…”. By this time I’d taken my coffee drink and thanked the gal makin’ my coffee, ignoring the psychowitch. As I was walking out, ignoring the now ranting psycho, the coffee chick exclaimed loudly “I think you’re a great driver Kevin!” as I said “Maybe your daughter’s paranoia stems from the embarrassment of having her neurotic WitchMom attempt to excuse her awful driving to complete strangers…or it’s the license plate!”.
As the door closed behind me I could hear staff and patrons alike break out with laughter. Funny shit. I wonder if her daughter asked her “Why’d that guy grin and flash me the devil horns on the way back to his car?” 
Go cast a spell old lady, I’ve got a job to get to.
